


If You'll Have Me

by HighWarlockIvy



Series: Soulless and Afraid [4]
Category: Shadowhunters
Genre: Alec is helping, Magnus is stumbling, Magnus' past, Past Abuse, Triggers for suicide and possibly self harm, present suicidal thoughts, references to past suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 03:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11222562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HighWarlockIvy/pseuds/HighWarlockIvy
Summary: Magnus wakes from a nightmare feeling extremely lost, and decides it's probably time to talk about his past with Alec, or he worried it would kill him.Particular sequel to "Agony Rune", but it can be read alone.





	If You'll Have Me

**Author's Note:**

> Serious trigger warnings

Magnus is standing on his balcony, feeling the New York breeze run through his hair to cool him off. It was around two thirty in the morning, and he'd woken in a sweat with a small cry crawling through his throat. Alec had been next to him, and nearly jumped out of his own skin when Magnus jerked. 

Alec tried to calm him down, but Magnus just got angry and pushed him away. He'd gotten up despite Alec's calling his name to please just let him in, but Magnus can't do it. He can't let him in when it comes to this.

He's not even really upset about Alec not believing him anymore. Yes, it still bothers him, but they talked about it a week ago, and now they understood each other. And yes, and it still bothered him that Alec would have pushed his doubts down and let Magnus die, but not even that is what's keeping him up at night. 

None of that is what's keeping his fear at the surface. None of that is what's making Magnus' chest feel like a bag of rocks and knives nicking his heart. 

What's making him feel like he wants to die every second of every day is the continuous flow of memories that tear through his mind over and over, every night, and every day. Alec had tried to tell him he needed to talk about it, because apparently that works. 

But it's not that easy for Magnus. Talking about this is one of the most challenging things he'd ever tried to experience, but he can never get the words out. He can never make his throat work, instead it just swells up when he tries to.

His past... Magnus' past and where he comes from will forever be his worst weakness, and the most painful aspect of his life.

How can he look Alec in the face and tell him who he really is? How can he tell him what blood he really carries inside his system? How can he tell Alec who he's murdered.

Because of his breakdown after he switched back, Alec knew much of his mother and what she did, and why she did it. What he doesn't know is what happened after. 

Magnus looked down at his hands, his knuckles white as he clenched the stone wall keeping him from falling off. 

Why did falling off sound satisfying? 

His heart was pounding, because dear God, he hasn't felt this way since the 1700's when he stood on the ledge of Blackfriars Bridge. He could hear it in his ears, and he was scared, and suddenly terrified. 

He tried to take a deep breath but for some reason it hurt so he stopped. 

He heard the doors to his balcony open, and he knew it was Alec, but he couldn't turn around. He couldn't even move. 

"Magnus?" Alec's voice was soft, and concerned. 

Magnus put his head down, trying to block him out, but for some reason he couldn't block Alec out. He could block anyone else in the whole damned world out, but Alexander Lightwood was not one of them. 

"Magnus," Alec tried again, stepping closer to him. He put his hands on his shoulders from behind him, and Magnus could practically hear the frown on Alec's face. "Magnus, you're shaking."

Magnus opened his tightly shut eyes and was still looking at his white hands. Hands once stained with blood. On more than one occasion they were stained with blood.

"Magnus turn around, please..." Alec practically begged. 

Magnus' breath hitched. "I can't move, Alec," Magnus whispered. "I can't do anything..."

Alec finally stood to the side of Magnus, who was still trembling, and leaned down slightly to really look him in the eyes. "Magnus, please talk to me. I can't stand seeing you so hurt, and I just want to help you." 

"Alexander, I'm scared..." he took another deep breath, and this time it worked a little easier. Why did Alec always make things easier?

"What are you scared of, Magnus?" 

Magnus didn't realize he was crying until he saw them fall down in front of him. He angrily wiped at his face, pushing away from Alec again.

"Magnus, please." Alec tried, not meaning to sound annoyed, but he could hear it in his voice. 

Magnus was facing away from Alec again, looking inside his loft that didn't even feel like home anymore. He was breathing evenly, but deeply. "Alexander-"

"Wait, Magnus, can I say something?" He asked, but not unkindly. Magnus didn't reply or make any gesture that he was giving Alec permission, but the notion of silence seemed like enough. "Magnus," he stopped for a moment, swallowing. He had to make sure to word this correctly. Magnus was vulnerable right now, and Alec had to do this right. "Magnus, I love you. I love you more than I ever thought possible. And you told me once, before we were even sure if we loved each other at all, that I shouldn't push those I care about away when things get tough. Magnus, baby, I know, I know you're hurting. I know you're scared, and I know you're feeling lost. But please... please don't push me away."

Magnus began crying again, and he was still facing away from Alec. He stopped breathing for a moment, but he let his breath go suddenly. He was biting his lip to stop it from trembling. He needed to tell someone. He needed help. 

"Magnus," Alec began again, voice more calm and less frantic, while also more full of love. "Magnus, you also told me, before Valentine's massacre, to tell someone if things ever got bad." He was speaking carefully. 

Magnus sobbed silently. He knew. Alec knew what was going on with him. He knew things had gotten that bad. 

Alec continued. "Magnus, I'm scared that things have gotten that bad. But not for me, baby." 

Magnus sobbed again, clenching his eyes shut and looking back down. Damn Alec... damn him. He always knew how to break down Magnus' walls more than anyone he'd ever known. More than Catarina, or Tessa, and even Ragnor. 

He heard Alec take steps towards him. He felt him standing right behind him, and he could feel his breath on his neck, and he could feel Alec's heat radiating off of him. 

"Magnus," he whispered, ever so quietly. Magnus sobbed one more time before turning around and throwing himself on Alec and wrapping his arms around him and squeezing like he thought Alec might disappear if he didn't. "It's okay."

"Alec, I'm scared."

Alec held on to him tighter. "I know, Magnus."

Alec just held him and let him cry his eyes out until he couldn't cry anymore and they went back inside.

...

Magnus was sitting on the couch now, looking exhausted with dark moons under his eyes. He wasn't necessarily looking at anything, rather stared ahead at nothing in particular. He could hear Alec rummaging around in the kitchen while attempting to replicate Magnus' tea. 

Magnus wasn't crying anymore. He didn't have anything else to cry. He wasn't anything. He was empty. 

He blinked slowly, taking a deep breath, finding it much easier now. 

He was so tired. He wanted to sleep, but when he finally got to lay down, more than half the time he couldn't slumber, or he woke up screaming. 

He hated this. He felt like he did centuries ago when he was just a child trying to find himself. Trying to feel comfortable in his own skin. 

He didn't feel comfortable with anything anymore. Except Alexander. It was always Alexander. 

He didn't notice Alec was back in the room until he held a cup of tea in front of him. Magnus jumped slightly, smiling a sad smile as he grabbed the cup and apologized. 

Alec waved it off, and Magnus felt grateful.

Magnus knew what they were about to talk about. He wasn't ready. But he knew he needed to. He had to. Like he thought before, on the balcony, he needed help. 

Alec still hadn't spoken, and Magnus was taking a sip from his tea, smelling his favorite flavor of "Blood Orange". Alec did pretty good. He added that small amount of honey that Magnus liked to add for a bit of a sweeter tang. 

Alec took a sip of his own, and Magnus wondered if it was the same flavor. 

He heard Alec take a deep breath. And finally, he spoke. "Are you okay?"

Magnus laughed sadly. "No..." He looked over at Alec, who looked worried. 

"I just... I think we need to talk about this. I'm worried about you, Magnus. Extremely worried. I leave everyday for the Institute and fear that when I come back home... you might-" his voice broke off, and he looked down, swallowing. Magnus watched him sadly. "Magnus, I'm just worried you might do something to yourself that you can't take back." He looked back up at him. 

"I understand," Magnus nodded, voice quiet. "But, Alexander... just realize that I've been through this before. I've," he hesitated. "I've done this before." Alec frowned, but didn't take his eyes off Magnus. "The only difference here is that... I'm not doing it alone, or rather with Camille."

"Wait," Alec said, stopping him. "You've been... suicidal before? By the Angel you have, you told me before Valentine attacked the Institute." The words felt wrong on Alec's tongue.

Magnus looked uncomfortable, and Alec didn't mean to make him feel like that. But how do you not look uncomfortable when it comes to this thing? "Yes," Magnus admitted. "The only other person I've told most recently was Simon."

Alec grimaced. "Simon?"

Magnus chuckled quietly. "Yes, Simon. I helped him send Camille to Idris, remember? He was apart of that."

Alec still looked confused. "Why did you tell Simon?"

"Well," Magnus began. "He couldn't understand why it was so hard for me to give her up to the Clave."

Alec made an obvious face. "You loved her, of course it's hard."

Magnus smiled shyly. "Well, yes, but... there's a reason I fell in love with her. And it all links back to the 1700's, Alexander. That was not a good time for me. I was in a very dark place. Immortality, at some point, has its toll on all Warlocks. That was mine."

Alec looked like he wasn't ready for this part of the conversation, and Magnus wanted to laugh when he realized this was just the past. He'd recovered from that. But this...? No, he'd have to work hard to get over this. He wasn't even sure he could.

"So," Alec said. "What happened?"

Magnus sighed. "Like I told Simon, it was a stormy night. And, I'm not really sure how I got there, or even how long it took for me to get there, but- I-I was suddenly standing on the ledge of Blackfriars Bridge." Magnus ignored the fumbling of his voice. "I was going to do it. And there wasn't anyone to stop me.

"But then, right as I was about to step off the ledge into the air, I heard a voice behind me. A very soft one. And I didn't turn around for a while, but when I did, oh my God, Alexander she was beautiful. And I remember thinking: 'what the hell is going on?'"

Alec didn't feel jealous and he felt good with himself knowing he didn't. He wasn't jealous when it came to past lovers, especially to Camille. "She stopped you, didn't she?"

Magnus was silent for a moment, and only nodded. 

Alec couldn't understand where his other friends had been during this. "Magnus, I never doubted what Camille meant to you, and I never degraded you because she did. This only makes me understand more, but what I don't understand is where are your other friends?"

Magnus frowned, confused. 

Alec tried again. "I mean, what about Ragnor? Or Catarina?" Magnus blinked, looking down for a moment. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came up. Alec felt suddenly concerned. "Magnus, what is it?"

Magnus sighed again, closing his eyes to keep his panic at bay. "I never told them."

"What?" Alec asked, completely bewildered.

Magnus felt tears well again, but he pushed them down. "I never told them, because I knew they wouldn't understand. They are so different from me, Alexander."

"Different how?" 

"I mean, they grew up differently. Most Warlocks have a sob story about their parents and how they reacted when the truly know what their child is, but they didn't. They were the only two I know that didn't. Catarina's parents were distant for a while, but one day they told her that it didn't matter. Because she was their child, and they loved her.

"The same goes for Ragnor," Magnus finished, voice breaking off a bit. "But I wasn't like that. You know of my mother. But there is much more to my story that you don't know, Alexander. And I want to tell you, I do, but..." he broke off, looking down again.

He felt Alec's tough-skinned hands gently lay one on his cheek and slowly pull his face to look at him. "You told me before... or rather... I don't know, you said when you switched back, that you 'killed them both'."

Magnus tried to look away, but Alec gently held him with a look that said 'do not be afraid'. "Yes..."

Alec blinked, licking his lips. "Who else was it?" His voice was barely a whisper.

Magnus closed his eyes, because dammit he couldn't look at Alec and say it. He couldn't even say it. He shook his head, finally pulling away. He was looking somewhere else, anywhere but Alec, because he just couldn't do it. 

Alec felt defeated again. He couldn't get Magnus to open up. Whatever this was, it appeared to be some what more painful than that of his mother, though Alec knew they both were making Magnus feel like he wanted to die. He could see that. He could feel it. 

"Sorry," Magnus whispered. 

"Don't apologize, Magnus. Don't apologize about this. You don't deserve any of this, you don't deserve this pain. And don't say you do like you did last time, baby. Like I said, you deserve nothing but good." Alec was running his hands on Magnus' thighs in a form of comfort, but he didn't know if it was working. 

Magnus took a deep breath and held it for a moment before finally letting it go and slowly sliding his gaze back over at Alec. He nodded, this time looking more determined.

Magnus didn't want to hold this in anymore. He couldn't hold it in anymore. He was terrified that if he did, he would end up like he did last time, and that's standing on the edge of some bridge or building with no one to help him.

But Alexander was here, trying, and wanting to help him, wanting to like no one else in the world ever has. Yes, there was Ragnor, but every time Magnus thought about him his heart clenched at knowing he was gone. Catarina was always so busy at the hospital, that more than half the time she sounded annoyed when Magnus called her. Not that Cat was a bad person who didn't care about him. He understood she was a very busy nurse.

Then there was Tessa, but again, she was busy at the Labyrinth. 

Magnus just sometimes felt so alone that he wondered why he was mad at himself for bottling it up. Because who the hell else was there to talk to? 

Alexander has been there, for everything so far. He was there when his nightmares took over his sleep. He was there when he got lost in himself and sat there doing nothing, when Alec would always pull him out with a soft touch on his shoulder, and sometimes a gentle kiss on the cheek. He was there when he called him at night when Alec couldn't make it back home. 

He was always, always there. 

And so... he couldn't hold this in anymore. 

He was terrified. He had to tell him. 

"Alexander," he started, voice stronger and less tired. "I'm afraid that I'm going to get so low again that I begin to think of what it would be like if I just ended it, which worryingly, I already have. I am afraid that the memories I have that are painful to me, so damn painful, that I can't handle it. I'm afraid that I'll end up alone like I always do, having to deal with these feelings all by myself. I can't do that anymore, Alexander. I can't do it.

"And you're here. You're always here, no matter what. You walked out of a Clave meeting for me. You kissed me at your wedding, for god's sake. And so I want to tell you my past. I want to share every aspect of me, every crack, every scar, and every crevice. If you'll have me."

He was gasping ever so slightly, because damn, he finally did it, and he felt proud of himself. Pride swelled within him.

Alec looked shocked. He was blinking, mouth open in a small 'o', unsure of what to say. He took a deep breath. 

Magnus' heart was pounding. What would Alec say?

Alec leaned closer to Magnus, and put his hand on his cheek again. "I want you, Magnus. Of course I do. I want to know you. But Magnus, only if you're ready. Only if you're comfortable enough to tell me what you've been so afraid to tell me before. I just want you to be okay."

Magnus smiled softly, leaning in to Alec's touch. "I'm ready, Alexander."

Alec ran his hand down Magnus' neck to his chest, where it now hovered over his heart. "Are you sure?"

Magnus nodded. "I have to, or it will eat me alive."

Alec's hand was now on his, and Magnus squeezed it. "Go when you're ready, baby." 

Magnus loved the softness of Alec's voice. 

Magnus nodded again, and took another deep breath and finally spoke. He tried to keep his voice strong and confident, but it came out small and quiet. "When I was nine, my mother found out what it meant for me to have the eyes that I did. That I do," he corrected himself. "You know she couldn't stand it, and you know she ended her own life." He looked over at the keris sitting on a stand behind a couch across the room. "With that," he gestured to it, and Alec looked.

When he looked back at Magnus, he looked sad.

Magnus continued.

"But it doesn't stop there, Alexander," Magnus took a moment for himself to finally reveal this. This... awful demon that has been tearing Magnus apart since that day. "I was the one who found her, and I remember feeling my chest constrict in on itself, and I remember calling for her. I remember red, but it's all a little blurry.

"What I don't forget is the howl I heard behind me when he saw her too."

Alec frowned. "Who?"

Magnus swallowed, breathing again. "My step-father." Alec made a face of realization. "He didn't take it well. He loved her, and he loved me like she did too. But in that moment, I was nothing but the murderer that drove her to her death." Magnus felt Alec's grip on his hand tighten. He closed his eyes as he spoke the next part. "Before I knew it... before I knew it he was on me."

Alec blinked. "On you?" His voice was angry, but not at Magnus, Magnus knew. "He was hurting you." 

Magnus looked down slightly. "It wasn't unnatural to me, Alexander. Ever since that day that they realized what I was, my mother became distant and my step-father just became abusive."

Alec clenched his jaw shut. He couldn't get angry now, Magnus might not finish. 

"But what was abnormal was when he grabbed at my hair. He pulled me hard towards the door, and... I-I don't remember much of how we got there. I just remember it being painful. But at some point we were at the small river behind our barn." His voice trembling, and Magnus knew he was faltering. "He beat me more to weaken me, but in the moment I couldn't understand why. Why had he taken me to the river?

"I only realized what was happening when he pulled me up aggressively and pushed me closer to the water. I remember yelling and begging him to stop. But he came closer and pushed me in. I tried to get back out, or even swim away, but he grabbed my shoulders and..." he broke off, feeling his heart pound in his chest, feeling Alec's hand tighten on his own. "I... I couldn't get out because he was holding me under."

Alec gasped slightly. "He... he what?"

Magnus felt tears welling, and tried to push them down, but it wasn't working. None fell yet, however. "He tried to drown me," he whispered. 

Alec closed his eyes for a moment, practically feeling his heart break. "By the Angel..."

"He-He held me under for almost a minute before... before it happened."

Alec knew what was about to be revealed. At least, he had a feeling that is what it will be. "Tell me," Alec said, but it wasn't demanding.

"I was a terrified nine year old boy who knew something was wrong with him, but didn't know what it was. I was a nine year old boy who'd just lost his mother in the worst way possibly. I was absolutely horrified at what was happening in the moment, and I couldn't breathe. My chest was burning, and I was desperate for air." He was speaking frantically and quickly because he was afraid he wouldn't get it out if he didn't. "My magic erupted, and I felt hands loosen off my shoulder and I came up as quickly as possible, but when I did I saw blue flames licking the skin of my step-father and I saw him turn to ash in front of me."

He sobbed, finally taking a breath since he started frantically speaking. 

Alec pulled him into his embrace then. He just held him. He didn't speak or gesture anything. He only held him. Magnus was shocked, but allowed him. He needed it. 

He cried for a while.

...

When Magnus had calmed down and they made it back to the bedroom it was four in the morning. Magnus was under the covers with Alec, still in his embrace. Alec was gently running his thumb on his arm, and Magnus scooted further into Alec. "I love you, Alexander."

"I love you, too."

Magnus closed his eyes, breathing evenly and in sync with Alec. "I'm sorry, for tonight. I haven't been like that since the switch back."

Alec held him tighter. "Like I said, don't apologize for this. I'm here for you, and I'll be here while we get through this together. I'll make sure you are okay, Magnus."

Magnus smiled sadly. "I know."

"I know you're scared. I know you're worried you may do something you can't reverse, and I'm scared too, Magnus. But I promise, I am here. I'll always be here."

Magnus felt his eyes drooping and he could feel himself loosing his grip on reality and sleep tried to take over. "I love you," he mumbled one more time before finally falling into darkness. 

Alec smiled. "I love you, too." Alec replied. 

For the first time in days, Magnus didn't have a nightmare.


End file.
